Effing The Ineffable

I have a theory: that all of us, at some point or other in our lives find (and then usually lose) at least one Great Love. Yes, that's with capitals. You know the ones I mean. They're the people who make everything feel right when they're with us, and then when fate decides that they leave we get all topsy turvy, like someone pulled the ground out from under our feet. They're the ones who give us our first (and perhaps only) taste of heart-pounding, earth shattering, pulse-inducing love. Some of us are actually lucky enough to keep our Great Loves, but usually we find that more often than not they're more slippery than an eel in oil.

There are those who believe that for everyone in the world who's lonely there's a "One" waiting somewhere near the horizon. In this parallel universe they believe in, it takes a fortuitious combination of luck, timing and effort before we suddenly stumble upon this mythical creature and then, as the story goes, start living Happily Ever After. Buying into this theory requires that you become familiar with Joseph Campbell's principle of the mythopoeic quest: that the hero requires a stalwart group of companions, braves and wins through the darkest of obstacles and finally triumphs over the great Quest in the end.

A nice theory, if I actually bought it. Sadly, in the past year or so (after losing a GL of my own) I've realised that the cynicism I acquired recuperating from that loss (oh and that merits a loong story of its own) has spawned some other problems of its own. For one thing, it's drastically affected my relationships with people. Without being actually conscious of it, I now draw invisible barriers between everyone I meet. There's a sense of absolutism, as if I can only give out a certain amount of myself (say, 5 percent) to these people without feeling like compromising something. Now before anyone rushes to tell me how unhealthy this is, I'd like to say yes, I know. Also, that I'm working on it. Now on the plus side, doing this gives me the ability to become extremely objective in times of stress (akin to retreating to a sort of neutral zone where I can view the issue with complete detachment). The price of this seeming boon is that I now have difficulty relating, sharing and opening up to the people I care about.

Yes, they've complained countless times about how I suddenly clam up and not tell anyone anything. It's hindered me in forming close ties with other people (since I'm always compartmentalising them) and to a certain extent, prevents me from actually being a good friend and confidante. That aside, I've had people recently ask me if I don't believe in this concept of "love".

Actually, I do. Just not in the whole "One" thing. The way I see it, perhaps these Great Loves were never really meant to stay with us. Thanks to the Ineffable Cosmic Design (aka God?) these individuals come into our lives simply for us to learn something from them, exchanging electrons, protons, body fluids and what have you. Then they leave, sometimes breaking our hearts in the process but almost always initiating a change in us, though the directions said change takes depends wholly on ourselves.

So in the end, I guess we have the choice to make our own "Ones" out of the people we meet. Though I'm tempted so just "eff the ineffable" and forget everything, I understand that sometime in the future I will get better, although it involves a lot of effort on my part. I harbour no illusions, and no ill will. Maybe once I've settled the other responsibilities life entails I can pick up where I left off almost a year and a half ago...

..and start, well, feeling again. For now though, there's tomorrow. And honestly that's as far as I can see.

Cheers.