Pre-Post Doctoral Blues

Pickyin's latest post inspired this little entry.

If you're still here, Constant Reader, I'll assume you'll have at least skimmed through her post for some context on this one. And if you haven't, well I don't mind. That is, if you're still here.

Ahem. Anyway. Unfortunately for me, I was one of those people who couldn't really get a regular job (due to several circumstances), which led me to half heartedly submit an application to my university for a tutoring job. I say half heartedly, because I heard they were short on male staff and thought what the heck, posted the bloody thing and promptly forgot about it until they replied about 4 months later.

Yup. That's right. I am now an academic through no conscious design and no altruistic little motive for the betterment of humanity. I applied, got the job and found that I could do my Masters en route. Financially, I was desperate. Mentally, I was naive and thought a uni job would provide the security I so sorely needed.

Well har-bloody-har. Fast forward several years, and I'm on temporary status with no possibility of confirmation, I've realised I actually like teaching/research and I desperately need to find a place to continue my doctorate ASAP. That's life for you. I sometimes wonder if it's actually worthwhile going ahead and pursuing my PhD in the next 2 years, before my contract expires and I'm out on the streets.

You see, Pickyin's little post made me ask myself a question that's been waiting to be asked for a long time: Why the hell do I want to do a PhD? With a little clinical detachment, let us examine my answers:

1) I want to get my status confirmed.
2) I sorely need a pay raise.
3) Going overseas is exciting.
4) I'll be an expert in my field, and have a nifty little "Dr" title in front of my name.
5) Because it's essential for my survival.
6) Refer to reason (1)
7) After reading David Lodge, I am tempted to try out the life of a lecherous academic.
8) Refer to above.

So there we have it. I am now actively embarking on a life of academia mainly because life gave me lemons and I'm trying to make darn good lemonade out of it. Of course, in the past few years I've come to realise that it isn't such a bad gig, and the rewards (though few and far between) are as satisfactory as anything else I might dip my finger in. Funny.

I've been having weird flashes of temptation lately. You see, I have only 2 more years left on my contract. If I so wished, I could use those years to prepare myself properly, apply for a good scholarship, and leave the country for my PhD then. It may be late, but I'll have no one to report to, and no one to tie me down.

If my plan to leave this year DOES come to fruition, I'll come back after 4 years with several kids, and ex-wife and bondage (oh how I wish it was THAT kind) for 7 years. I'll still get the nifty little "Dr". I'll also still get the incessant stupid bureaucracy and patronage system that's so inherent in our academia. It boils down to what I want, I guess. And right now I have no damn idea what that may be. Friends tell me it'll get better when I get my doctorate, and I can change things. Problem is, I've been thinking: so who looks out for me?

Gah. Too many things to think about. I'm off to bed.