Oh man..desperately need to unload..No sign of the girlfriend yet, and ditto the window guy :-( . I guess, when all's said and done, it's once again the blog to the rescue. Hello again, blog..Seems like my daily posts keep getting more frequent and longer, too. Think it's got something to do with all the stress I've been through these last couple weeks. Life's tough when you can't simply pick up the phone, call up someone you can trust, and just simply unload all this crap. Gets tougher when you're a guy. Society tells us to be "tough", "take it like a man" and "don't be a wuss". Feelings? Forget you have them. Any sign of those, and we become Sensitive New-Age Guys (SNAGs). That opens a whole new world of pain. You then either become a fake (feigning feelings to get into some girl's knickers), or not enough of a real man, losing the respect of any woman in the process. So where does one go? Knowing guys my age, no one will ever admit to want to talk about these things. Unfortunately for me, I am slightly deficient in that area. My loss, huh?

Looking back, I've never had a best friend. Not in the proper sense. Growing up in a small town and being the son of its most respected physician gave me a certain stigma. Kids would shy away from me...and I'd be too far along in my reading or knowledge to be able to converse with them. Oh I tried to fit in alright, and sometimes succeeded, but more often than not, I'd be the class nerd, the one with the thick black framed glasses, his nose always in a book or other. And did I mention I sucked at sports? I sucked so much that I'd actually experienced having the teacher have to intervene in team games..since no one would (publicly, anyway) pick me. Believe me, things like that can severly impair a child's self esteem. And so it went on, me winning all the academic awards (and not feeling a bit proud of it) just to make sure people would at least...remember me. I used to be the one indoors during the holidays, never having anywhere to go to. My parents would forbid me to go on any school trip. My early school years were, to say the least...sad. It became so bad that I volunteered to spend school breaks with my grandparents, as they doted on me. With them, I could really be my cheery, blabby self..and they'd happily play along. I was devastated when first my grandpa, then grandma died. In hindsight, I guess that's when I really withdrew...

And so on it went, until I was 13. My mom applied for this private boarding school and I jumped at the opportunity..finally I would be leaving this small town...hopefully to make some real friends. I was disappointed again, however. The kids there were too snooty to notice this new, gawky kid from the country who still sucked at sports. I joined a group of outcasts (read: other nerds) and we scraped together for the next 2 years. It was fun...and I often wish I could get in touch with them again. 1994 rolled about..and I left again..this time to another boarding school. And so it went, until I finally settled into Uni. Friendships were often transitory at best, as most of my schoolmates had a certain..mentality that was difficult to bridge.

What's the point of all this? I don't really know. Is this a cry for help? Am I sinking into depression? Am I reading too much into this whole thing and should I just let it go? Sometimes...what I wish for, more than anything else, is a best friend. Someone who I could just drop my guard and tell everything to. I realise I've become too much of a stoic these past few years. Though I wish I could undo it, the best thing that I can find to alleviate some of that pain is just to have someone listen..and tell me things will work out. Another way to put it is..I need some ME time. Used to have that..and it's more difficult now that she's abroad. I don't dare put some more stress on an already strained relationship. Oh well..I guess the only thing to do now is grit it and bear it. I just pray I'll be able to still be me.

G'night, blog. G'night world. G'night Princess.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams