This May Be A Good Time To Fall Back And Regroup

Sometimes, when you fall, you fly.

Hopeful words from Neil Gaiman, perhaps after God my only source of strength these days. It's after 1 am on Christmas day, and the Ox is so, so tired. A long morning and afternoon left him bleary eyed and barely able to dress for a dinner with family and friends. I even had to miss Meesh's little pre-Christmas gathering, and for that I am so very sorry. I wish I could have been there, dearo...and maybe one day we'll talk, yeah? For now, all I can offer are my sincerest regrets and apologies. I can only wish it will be enough for a treasured friend.

Anyway.

There are times when all of us have to concede defeat, I suppose. Too often it's the last resort, the one thing we hope we never have to do. No one likes losing, and the problem with it is sometimes we don't know if we are, and even if we do we ignore it and push on, regardless of all the warning signals our brain (plus common sense) sends us. Which brings us to where I am right now.

Absolutely nowhere.

I've never done this before, never actively pursued someone who's already obviously in love with someone else. So why can't I be happy with my new role? There are days when I loathe myself, so much so I cringe when I look in the mirror. And then there are days when everything makes sense and some weird spring of hope inside tells me it's perfectly alright and that you have as much chance as the next guy, bro. I wish I knew what to do, and sometimes I get so angry at myself for not being able to do the simplest thing: let go.

Whatever good my NZ trip did me, I sure wish I can find it now. (Almost) every fiber of my being is screaming for me to shut up and walk away, but I can't. Or maybe I won't. Someone once told me that Taurean men are clingy, and as much as I hate to admit it, that statement may be very very true. I mean, how else do we explain my reluctance to just swallow the pill I've been handled and walk away? Why can't I just accept that there's a relationship ALREADY going on and I don't need to stick my nose into it? Do I NEED to get stressed and jealous every single day? Do I WANT to? No, and no.

But I do, regardless. I fight the waves of resentment when the text messages come and her face lights up, when they talk over the phone making plans and knowing no matter what I do, he'll still be the one who gets the "I love yous" at the end of every SMS and phone call, that he'll still be the one who knows exactly what to say to make everything better and at the end of the day it's him who'll be waiting for her there. So she doesn't love me that way anymore. Fine. Maybe she will again, someday. Or maybe she won't.

So I tell the part of me that screams for me to hightail it out: Fall back, Ox. Live to fight another day, but be prepared to accept (when the time comes) that sometimes we win, and other times we lose. The war's not over yet, and who knows? Maybe the effort will pay off. And like Dream tells the Playwright in Fear Of Falling:

"It is sometimes a mistake to climb. But it is always a mistake to never even make the attempt. If you do not climb, you will not fall, this is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall?"

So yeah.
Watching the storm clouds roil over the crag, I know I have one more good climb in me. Right now I just have to wait till the weather settles a little and make sure I'm well rested. I'll probably come out of this with nothing more than a bruising and a boot on the arse but hey, I can give as good as I get.

And there's always another day to live for.