Cantaloupe, Cantaloupe

Two days without a post. Maybe I'm slipping. Or maybe it's the fact that there's just a huge pile of work that's to be done (at the office or otherwise), and I'm trying not to spend all my Pockets Of Bullet Time at one go.

Life. Bah.

Ever feel like an extra before? You know, like in the movies? The director gives you a little bitty part (one that's not too visible but terribly vital to the big picture) and hands you your lines, all two of them. From time to time he'll remind you that you ARE important, and then resumes pouring his full attention on the stars. Deep down you feel that he doesn't give a shit if you get trampled by the elephants from the big gladiator fight scene (or mauled by the imported tigers) but you do your job anyway, since it's probably the only thing you know how to do well.

I just re-read that whole paragraph, and I'm damned if I make sense. I apologise, people. Somewhere in that tangled mess there's a point, if I can just find it.

Oh well. 10 days into the new year, and already I feel like the kid who missed the school bus because he woke up late. There's this feeling I get sometimes that too much is happening, and if I even blink I'll miss my cue (there's that extra reference again) and ruin everything for everyone. In MPH today I read a book that told me I'm an Earth Horse in the Chinese zodiac. Apparently beasts of burden figure a lot in my horoscope, what with me being a Taurus and all. In any case, it only confirmed my suspicions: I'm one of those stalwart dependables. Always good to have around, but not very noticeable. And apparently I'm faithful as hell till I die (which some might say also translates to being clingy).

Whatever. That just about sums up the story of my life. So right now in the next two months I'm supposed to finish up the current semester and get a place in an overseas uni for my PhD. Question is: where do I go now? Do I follow with plan A (also known as the Gamble) in order to try and fight for someone who in all probability CANNOT return my affections while excelling (hopefully) in my studies? Do I strike out for somewhere totally different (ie give up)? I know I can probably make it anywhere, God willing..but it always helps when there's someone who cares nearby. And I don't think I need to explain anymore just what caring entails. Both plans have their risks: A might find me landing only to find I've missed my window of opportunity and restarting the bloody cycle. B on the other hand might have me wondering about all the what ifs. Ugh.

The day when I have to make that decision draws nearer. I wish it all depended on me, but it doesn't. It never does. All I need is a glimmer of hope and I'm there. But as always, you can never force a heart to feel a certain way.

And maybe I'm just too scared of finding out that there IS no glimmer.