Another Monday morning at the office. And as usual, I'm early. Well, no better place to start my day than the blog. Let's see...ah yes. Yesterday. Woke up early as usual (damn my circadian rythm!) and spent several minutes staring at the wall clock. 3 minutes later, my dad called to inform me they were already leaving. Groaning, I heaved myself off the sofa, woke my sis up and attempted to make myself look presentable (this involves lots of shaving cream, toothpaste and shower foam, which usually results is myself looking worse than I did before). Since everything had already been pre-ironed, all that was left was load the stuff into the car and head to Kajang, where my parents would be. Was still worried about the hood (forgot to tell y'all. My Uni has a hood/scarf thing that has to sit on top of the ceremonial robe. Fricking hard to tie!) but decided to handle it when I got to campus.

Oh. Also have to mention that am now disgustingly fat. Been looking at all the photos my brother took (the ones not on Ofoto) and I definitely need a lifestyle change. In essence, I hate myself. Especially above the neck. I lose weight easily everywhere else, but my face...argh!. Well, back to the story. Met up with my parents in Kajang, where we had a quick lunch and shower, after which we ran back to the car and rushed to UPM. What followed was the usual thingamajig where you line up, walk slowly in, look very solemn, sit down, get up, line up again, look solemn, get your degree, line up...you get the picture. Couldn't hang around for very long after that, since weather was getting a bit unfriendly. Drove back around 6...bought dinner..ate..and had an early night. The ceremony was alright..until about halfway through. I lapsed into that state of semi consciousness that always hits me during long boring speeches or meetings..and several words flew into my head: kissy-wissy and huggy-wuggy. Granted, nonsense words for sure to everyone else, but something that triggered an almost overwhelming flood of emotions in me. Then I realised why I wasn't enjoying myself as much: the person I wanted most to be there, wasn't. As I looked back at the assembled family members, friends, wives, girlfriends and fiances, I realised that I had a piece missing..and all it needed to fill it was someone..who may not be there anymore. I was mistaken about those words. I thought if I kept them hidden, they'd lose their potency and die. Instead, they stood patiently in a remote corner of my mind..gaining power, waiting for the moment when they would be spoken again. And, man, did they have it in spades. I understand now that those words (and many others) cannot be killed. They instead turn into symbols..of a life once lived, a love lost, found and lost again, and also of the power that one person can have over another.

Which brings me to this morning. I had one of those lucid dreams last night (the kind where you know you're dreaming). I saw her in a crowded city, walking in the opposite direction. I called out to her and almost touched her when I saw her eyes..empty, like the flames in a fake fireplace. I knew then that I had to let her go..and only she could decide if she wanted to return. A lot of things to happen in one day? In my life, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Later.