Replacements

It's almost midnight, my head's spinning, and I'm reading blogs. Long, long week, which will spill over to the next. As I look at the stuff I've bought these few days, it occurred to me that however nice the suit, wonderful the game console or funny the book, I'll only have myself to enjoy it with.

Yay.

I know I shouldn't complain, especially after watching Children Of Heaven. Considering the circumstances, I'm not too badly off. Sure, I'm not filthy rich, but then again I don't know what I'd do if I was either. Small steps at first, I tell myself. So then I ask myself 'what's with all the stuff, man?'. The answer's pretty obvious. They're replacements. Surrogates, if you will. The most mouth watering dish fades into nothing if you have no one to enjoy it with. A funny line in a book? Ditto.

Of course, I've got my friends (and thank God for them too). But still..

So people ask me, "Why don't you get off your arse and FIND someone?"
I ask myself the same thing.
And then it always occurs to me that I don't even know if I WANT a relationship anymore. I've stopped thinking about it so much (partly due to the mountains of work) that it doesn't even appear as an option. I used to feel longing. Now I just don't feel. Except for the odd twinge of jealousy when intertwined couples pass by. Do I really want one, or am I just going to go through the motions? I probably COULD start something, but for some reason there's no drive.

Weird, innit?

Work, read, game, sleep.
It's a comfortable little cranny I've stuffed myself into.