The Long Dark Tea Time Of The Soul

I absolutely HAD to use that as a title. It was too good to resist (and I think by now most of you will concede that I am a Douglas Adams addict).

It's been nearly a week since my previous entry. In that space of time I've been rushing to work and back, invigilated exams, spent huge amounts of money, laughed (and secretly cried) and basically trying to cram as many "good" time memories into a week as I can. That familiar sinking feeling in my stomach's back, and the familiarity does not help despite what people say.

There's about a week left. I've ranted before about how time can fly, so I won't start again. As I write this entry, I'm also composing a quick email to a certain university regarding my PhD placement. Over the past few days those evil little niggling doubts stopped by several times bringing with them their (usually) unhelpful cargo, and usually at night:

"Are you sure you want to do this?"
"You don't even know if you have a chance."

To a certain extent, these doubts are only to be expected, if only to remind myself that as with everything else in life there are no guarantees, and right now I'm toying with a particularly dangerous flame. Honestly speaking, I don't even know where to start once (or if, God willing) I get there. The place I'm at now is not an easy one to get out of, and how do you rebuild that old feeling?

It may turn out that I very well can't, and that some feelings are dead forever. We can't magically make someone feel a certain way about us, no matter how hard we snap our fingers or twirl around in our ruby red/black/suede sneakers/pumps/heels (or in real life, try). That is the risk I'll have to keep reminding myself of, and perhaps the reality I will have to accept. What I can do is make sure I get my doctorate done reasonably well.

And of course, if that tiny .05% chance does appear, maybe I can get that other thing, too.
Anyone care for a spot of tea? This particular tea time lasts quite a bit.