The Truth About Cats and Dogs

Thanks to Minishorts, I have a valuable addition to my blogroll: Dina Zaman's Gongkapas. I like what she said in her latest post, as sort of a conclusion:

"These days, you try to grab love wherever you can, because unlike in our parents' age, love in the 21st century is elusive. Oh you can love a person deeply, but one day you'll realise that love is not enough.."

How unfortunately true (with a caveat later). In that post, Dina discusses the her POV on the intricacies of relationships, and of blurred lines between love and lust, monogamy and infidelity (I avoid the term polygamy since so far, I find it an abhorrent concept). As much as we hate them, affairs DO happen. Sometimes we plan for them consciously but most times (well, as much as people tell me anyway) they just do. An accidental meeting, a mutual friend, drinks after work, comments in a blog..anything can spark one off. All of a sudden it's all new again: the breathless chemistry, the furtive text messages/emails, that knot in the tummy as you breathlessly wait for that elusive call to come, for that day when you can meet. Perhaps that's what drives people to infidelity: that search to feel new and wanted. Maybe we call it sensuality, or passion. Sometimes it's just sex (although how some people manage that without emotional attachment of any sort amazes me, cause after awhile even shared orgasms need something else to make it worthwhile).

I would venture to say that love in our parents' age wasn't easier, or any less elusive. Times were different, and expectations were different. People either fell in love and got married, or were engaged by their parents and married off. There was no such thing as "passion" or "sensuality", well at least not in the terms we use now. When you got married, you were expected to stand with it not for you, but for the family, for the children. Women who bucked the trend were considered unwholesome, and relegated to less tasteful roles in society: the cabaret singer, the single mother. All pariahs (don't believe me, try and watch ANY film made back in those days) but I digress. There was an implied question in Dina's post: women look for romance and chemistry, so what do MEN look for?

Tough one, that. In my opinion, exactly the same thing. A person can love another as much as is humanly possible, but lust over another equally as intensely. For some men, the line between love and lust is as clear as night and day. I've heard stories of men who engage prostitutes night after night and defend their actions by saying "..but it's nothing emotional, it's not like I'm cheating on my wife, I'm a good husband/father..it's just sex..". Others want the thrill of the chase as they see their declining years (once so far off suddenly frightfully close) start to approach. They want to feel young and desirable again. Still others are just bent towards infidelity. These are the ones who whistle at young girls and talk loudly of cleavages and past indiscretions (amongst themselves, since partners must never know).

In the 21st century, the playing field's evened out. Men and women cheat, and perhaps with less reservations. Of course, stereotypes remain: the man is "sowing his wild oats" while the women are almost always sluts and whores. There can be no guarantee that a partner will never cheat (or get tempted to, to answer Minishorts) in any situation. As Dina says, love isn't enough anymore. There needs to be more. Inventiveness, perhaps..to create new passion where it was once dying or nonexistent (this is also tough). Honesty (it is a rare couple indeed that can be totally, brutally honest with one another, even to the extent of "honey, you're just not hitting that spot right"). Or maybe it all boils down to my favourite e-word: Effort.

Passion and chemistry are all well and good, but like anything else, they are not infinite in supply. Their resources within ourselves are limited sorely by the amount of effort we put in. It is grossly unrealistic to imagine that a relationship can survive on passion, sensuality and excitement alone. As I've noted in previous posts, after that bout of I-can't-get-enough-of-you passes, reality sets in and the couple either has to work at it or give up and move on to their next "passionate" encounter.

So yes. I understand the importance of those little gestures, smiles and hugs. I miss a trusting hand in mine. I miss that scent on the pillows. I miss the shared winks and inside jokes. I miss the innuendo in the SMSes and emails. Yes, I DO miss the sensuality, knowing that at least one person thinks you're the sexiest thing on two legs. But I DO know that when (if ever) I next enter a relationship, there'll be more to it than simply feeling those butterflies in the tummy.