Sensory Overload

Two people left my life today.

One for good and the other, well till I can get her back. My grandmother passed away this afternoon, and the love of my life flew away at the same time. It's been a tough day for the Ox. I guess I'm still in a daze, after going to see my grandma's body (and funeral rites are tomorrow) and sending the other one 10 000 km away.

I'll be honest, though. I regret not being able to be closer to my grandmother (or Uwan) during her last days, but that was mostly my fault. As I sat in the circle of relatives just now I realised I hardly knew any of them. My mouth went through the recitations of the Qur'an but at the same time I was far away. I was angry at myself, mostly because I didn't feel anything. No sense of sadness, no shock, nothing. Just a terrible emptiness that somehow rendered me useless. My father came with my siblings, and I was once again reminded how much I try to emulate his sense of responsibility as the firstborn. He came in, quietly kissed Uwan's forehead and sat by her body while we all recited the Qur'an. I wished so much I could comfort him somehow, but my relationship with him has always been formal. I know I'll have to try, especially if I DO leave this year.

As for the other girl in my life, I guess the time's not far away until I have to make up my mind what to do with the feelings I have. I could of course forget the whole thing or I could just give it one more try (in addition to getting a kick-ass PhD of course). Try as I might, I can't shake the feeling that if I don't this one last time, I'll always kick myself in the arse for not trying. And I don't think I can live like that. So we'll see, and I'll work at it. Maybe I can win her back, or maybe not. Smells like another adventure..

Airports are evil, and good. They're good for bringing back loved ones, and hugs and everything you miss. They're evil because they send the ones you love away. As I hugged her one last time all I could think of was how much I missed her already. The ball's in my court, like it or not.

I'll be getting to sleep now, friends. It's just been a long, long day...and I hate to be up alone.

Goodnight.