Mondays Are For Thinking
I'm feeling wistful today. Maybe it's age catching up with me, or the general slow pace of the day, but it's one of those days when you just can't be arsed to do anything but sit, think and..well look wistful, and you know it's unnatural when even a Simpsons episode makes you feel all gooshy inside (more later). Oh God.
I was at a friend's engagement yesterday afternoon. Nothing fancy, just an exchanging of rings, gifts and a rather formal meeting of both sets of parents. Being a close friend of the family I was entrusted with photographing the occasion. You know, for posterity and all that. It dawned on me then, as we were winding down after the rather stressful ending (unrelated to the ceremony, but the groom to be's parents had a car crash about five minutes after but luckily no one was hurt, how's that for drama) how things were changing. I felt it in the waves of relief the mother of the bride-to-be emanated, in the way everything suddenly felt different, as if there was an invisible bubble or aura surrounding everyone and generally in the whole feel of the place. Something inside me (or was it outside?) sensed the change, imperceptible as it may have been. In that heightened state of awareness, it was as if I could even feel the continents move if I wanted to.
Life (at least for the two principals) had changed. As I watched them sit, talk, eat and make plans, I could feel that familiar twang of envy. There they were, radiant and expectant, and for a brief fleeting moment I wondered if I could ever feel- correction: if I could ever let myself feel that way again. The girl had gone through a lot before this. She was successful and empowered, and that tended to attract either the wrong guys or none at all (knowing how some guys feel about the whole thing, I'm not surprised). So when this particular man came into her life it was not without misgivings on everyone's part. In a way, I guess what I felt was the collective sigh of relief from her family that at least THIS part was over, that there was only the matter of the wedding to attend to, and she would finally settle down.
I can't say if it was rock-my-world, can't-live-without-you love or not, and frankly it doesn't matter. They made a conscious brave decision, and whatever the outcome, they had more balls in doing it than I could ever muster on my own. As I drove back last night I couldn't help but think of the funny paths life takes us on, and how you can never count on anything to stay the same.
Life moves on. So do the people in your life. They grow, evolve, change and find new priorities. Suddenly you realise you're clutching desperately at any vestige of the old life, knowing fully well it's left you ages before. You feel that little twinge of fear in your psyche. Unjustified, perhaps, but knowing it is so doesn't make it any better.
There are still so many things to do, but in the meantime you content yourself with other things: that wonderful Carl Sagan paperback you picked up for 7 bucks to read on the train, memories of that amazingly clear and erotic dream where you were giving head to a woman only you could see or feel (and man could I feel) and when all else fails, trusting that in time there might be a little space for you, too.
You know, up there where people are (or seem to be) happy.
And have lots of lusty, multi-positional sex.
Good night, folks.