Hey people..am at home now after a long day at the office and an even longer drive home. The weather's been really crazy this past few days, with a tree falling down and blocking some stretch of road every other day. Rain, thunder and lightning are also pretty much the order of the day..with weird intermissions in between. And I mean intermission..cause they somehow remind me of the ones you get inbetween theatre acts..
Tomorrow's labor day..so I guess it means I can relax a bit. Not too much though, since I've already taken home 2 folders to read through and digest. Erk! Singlehandedly managing and organising a seminar at the uni level is harder than I thought. But if it helps give me a raise in the future..well I say I'm all for it then. Good that I have a team of not too incompetent colleagues to shoulder the pain. Makes it that much easier to carry. Still, it doesn't stop me from getting the obligatory headache all the way home.
On another note, the f word came up in a conversation today (no, not that one, you pervert). Friend. Simple word, but one that slightly shook the ground I was standing on, and I guess it finally started to sweep away any remaining illusions I had that this was temporary. When Friend comes out, you know the truck that hit you really hit you, and is now in the process of running over your entrails. And reversing over them. So there. The reality was staring at me from inside the Yahoo Messenger window. Did I tell you I keep the text versions of almost all the Yahoo Chats I've had with her since she first left? Was planning to make some sort of compilation..for the future. Now that that's out of the way, I guess the thing to do is select, right click and hit delete.
There's also an unsent letter I found in my bag. It would have been the second. For a brief moment in time, I entertained the illusion that maybe one day, I'd be able to find a whole stack of them, fragrant and tied with ribbon..and we'd read them again and laugh. I have an image in my mind of exactly how it would turn out, with her smiling and that always slightly mischevious twinkle in her eye..and myself with my arms around her shoulders, slightly graying..but laughing too. I suppose all dreams have to end sometime..and mine just did. Till tomorrow, people. Be safe, and God bless.
To me, coming from you, friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid or absurd
But to me, coming from you, friend is a four letter word..
Cake, Fashion Nugget
Wednesday, April 30
Hey people..am at home now after a long day at the office and an even longer drive home. The weather's been really crazy this past few days, with a tree falling down and blocking some stretch of road every other day. Rain, thunder and lightning are also pretty much the order of the day..with weird intermissions in between. And I mean intermission..cause they somehow remind me of the ones you get inbetween theatre acts..
Tuesday, April 29
Hey, people. Just a short update before I get to sleep. I have a confession to make: I hurt my (ex?girl?)friend's feelings today. In an unthinking moment of anger and resentment, I spoiled her day..and may also have irreparably damaged what I have left of our relationship. I love her too much, and oftentimes it clouds my judgement. All I can say is now I hate myself even more..for not being able be civil and just be happy for someone I care about. Still, the only thing I can do is try and win back her trust, if not her love.
Enjoyed the movie tremendously, even if we did have to sit near the front. Apparently they forgot to mention that it was free seating. Malaysians being who they are, they made sure that any one person sitting in any given row would have absolute arbitrary power to reserve the whole row for his/her friends, even if they were still halfway across town at that particular moment. Still, the movie made the mad rush and scramble worth it. A very well done sequel, if I say so myself. I'm no critic, but I like to think I can distinguish between crap and a film that tries to do justice to its subject matter..and respect the intelligence of its viewers at the same time. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow..for now am just too tired. And did I mention I haven't been sleeping well lately?
See you tomorrow, folks. Be safe, take care..and to a certain someone out there: I'm truly sorry, princess. Hope you have a good day ahead. G'Nite..
Hello again, folks! Seems like I'm keeping to only one update per day..but it's not intentional. These past few days have been very hectic..and I can't always access the blog from where I am..but rest assured..the show will go on! Started off the day slightly crazy..since had to rush to photocopy the meeting minutes and then straightaway sit through it. I must say tho, it's one of the first meetings ever where I actually took charge (which is strange cause usually I keep to myself and nod every once in a while). But I guess I have to start somewhere, even if it means staging a coup of sorts.
After work today am going to the X-Men 2 preview with Johan. That ought to be interesting enough to take my mind of work..and other stuff. Quite like the idea of having things to do..somehow makes me feel slightly more important and of consequence to the world than a potted plant (which I've suspected myself of being for awhile now..only with mobility and extra..appendages). And since Thursday is a holiday..that will be another day I want to make last as long as possible.
Now for the bad news (okay, false alarm. No bad news..just other stuff). I hate it when married people look down on you, just because they have a cert that allows them to have sex (that their partner probably doesn't enjoy anyway) and produce offspring that would probably hasten our planet to hell. I have nothing against marriage..there was a time I was looking forward to it as well (this was BTB or Before Terrible Breakup.. you know the deal). Honestly I still think it's an okay idea. It's just that some people are changed by it..they go into it with a smirk and say watch how I handle this..and come out with their self important looks on their faces and tsk tsk Singletons..all the while forgetting they USED TO BE ONE OF US. There..rant half finished. Anyway, seeing that I'm not in such an agreeable mood today..I do hope that none of them sees fit to give me another sermon again..for their sakes.
I'll probably get married sometime in the future..if not with someone I love(heh..they'll have to earn it), then with someone who halfway agrees to the idea..if they love me, more's the better. Worst case scenario: someone I knock up. But hey, anything goes in the 21st century. Until later, folks..really feel like Wolverine (but no claws). Ah well.. here's to ya, bub. *snickt*
[During an interview with Sam]
Dr. Fieldstone: Tell me what was so special about your wife?
Sam: ...Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... the only real home I'd ever known. I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car.
It was like... magic.
Sleepless in Seattle (movie)
Monday, April 28
Hello again, people. Amazingly, this Monday sees me going to the office with not much of the blues. May have to do with the fact I had a surprisingly good night's sleep last night. Must make it a point to have more slow Sundays. As I'm typing, I'm glancing over to the big whiteboard in my office..and half of it is already covered with stuff I need to do by the end of this week. Not to mention stuff to read, digest and regurgitate as reports. All in all..one word: Ugh. But hey, it makes me feel like I'm earning my paltry salary.
In other news..my kittens are soo cute! I really can't bear having to give them away..but what with the costs of maintaning 7 cats, it's just not feasible. Maybe something will turn up..so in the meantime, nothing much for me to do but make sure they grow up into healthy young adolescents (and also clean their poo). Have to be careful also, since they now have enough strength in their spindly little legs to climb out of the box I put them in (yeah, they're like people. Next thing you know, they're gone.).
Anyway, this should cover the first half of the day. Not that anything ever happens in the office anyway. Going to finish up some stuff and hopefully return home..where my sofa awaits. Yum...sleep...
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss (1904 - 1991)
Sunday, April 27
Hello again, people. Last update before I turn in. Today has been an absolutely hot day! Well..hot may not be accurate..more like humid as a swamp in a glass case in a greenhouse. Yeah, I know it doesn't make sense, but it's the closest analogy I can find. And as some people can tell you..I'm very fond of analogies. Even bad ones, honest. Actually didn't want today to end, since was a textbook example of a lazy, perfect Sunday..from morning to night. I did nothing but laze my arse off..and I know I gained some pounds today. That's alright..the gym awaits me tomorrow!
Bought some DVDs today. Found a near perfect copy of Equilibrium, which I've been looking for for ages. Also managed to find Ring 0 (the prequel, vcd however) and also Heavy Metal 2000, a very adult animated feature made a couple years ago. The best moment today was finding Trois Couleurs, a trilogy of films each based on a particular colour (yes, it's French, it has Juliette Binoche, and it's an award winner. Multi award winner). Three movies and three titles, Red, Blue and White (colours of the French flag) and each movie symbolises a particular theme that connects with the colour. I couldn't wait to get my mitts on those DVDs, but my wallet had already shrunk by then. Ah well..will definitely get them soon..maybe for my birthday (along with the stripper and electric shaver, of course). Also looked for Importance of Being Earnest, but didn't dare pay so much for a bad copy.
All in all..not a bad Sunday. Am still very reluctant to let it go...like some other things. But life has a way of grabbing stuff it wants from you..kicking and screaming won't help. See you at work, folks. G'night!
Hey people. Sorry for the lack of updates..but have been slightly busy this weekend. Was supposed to come back from Johan's yesterday..but since he invited me along to run some errands thought I'd join him, since I had nothing better to do. Went to my office first, since Saturday was a work day. Spent some time there, after which we headed to his new house in Putrajaya (built but not completely). Excellent developer equals excellent layout, with underground cabling, good build quality and a very community friendly atmosphere. Next went back to my apartment to get some clothes and stuff, but not before we dropped by the Honda showroom. Johan wanted to show me his new love, the brand-spanking new Honda City. Quite an investment, if I do say so myself. Looks like a European car, trapped in a Japanese body.
Went back to his place after that for lunch (which was so expensive!!) and then headed out to town to get Rosalia's graduation photos. Came back just before the rain, which also stopped me from leaving (the fact that we settled down to a looong game of Ghost Recon on the ps2 didn't help, either). Ended up with me having dinner there and also spending another night. Yes, I'm disgusting, I know. Not to mention having no life. But hey..they were nice enough to let me stay..and I'll forever be indebted to them for making my weekend.
In other developments..none. Have tomorrow to look forward to..meaning another day of work. Oh well..better have work to do then stew about thinking what might have been..or what I want back. Till later, folks. Take care..
Saturday, April 26
Hey people. Just another short update before I turn in. Went to watch a movie with Rosalia and Johan just now. Was supposed to be Willard, but as expected, it was a limited release and was shown only twice for this day. Dang! Had to settle for Tears of The Sun instead. Not bad, since it had Bruce Willis in it (yup, have a soft spot for his movies). Nice lil actioner in the vein of Black Hawk Down but with less emphasis on the poor American soldiers. Quite enjoyable. Nearly halfway through the movie, I glanced around and saw most if not all of the couples were already snuggling close to each other, Lia and Johan included. I bear no grudge against them..just that once again, the movie faded out of mind and I had one of those flashbacks again..
I hate being like this. I hate getting all worked up when I see other couples having fun..and being with each other. I guess, on a certain level, I resent that I had that..and I lost it. I resent that while other people are holding hands and snuggling up, I'm alone, hugging myself to ward off the cold in the cinema. And I resent that I no longer have her to be with, to share the movie and other things with..and most of all to come home to..and talk to. At that moment, thoughts of her having a good time with someone else flashed through my head..and I 'd be lying if I said I didn't resent that too..just for a bit.
Resentful or not..life goes on. And so mine will. I anticipate more of these feelings..but I think I'm ready for them. The same way I'm ready for every sunrise, workday and anything else life may throw at me. Urgh..time to sleep, I guess. Maybe in dreams I can get some release..and some peace. Goodnight, people.
Friday, April 25
Friday!!! Yay! The official end of the week! Regardless of having to work tomorrow, which rightly sucks, am currently on an emotional high.Work's done for the week, and here I am checking out movie reviews and also toys that I'll never be able to afford (being a boy means I'll still do it even when I have the money!). Anyway, just a short update before I head out to catch a movie with some friends. Have been absolutely swamped with newsletters and what not. I know it's my fault for subscribing, but I feel handicapped if I miss any of em. Paradoxical? My whole life is.
Anyway, before I leave (for now) here's a lil something I got off the net. The moment I read it, I knew I had to post it. Kinda corresponds with all the things I've been having flashbacks on..
.. what do you remember about the great affairs of your life? It’s rarely the orgasm. It’s the touch of her hand on the back of your neck. It’s an odd moment in which your eyes meet. It’s how you lay together afterwards... -Al Pacino in Glengarry Glen Ross.
Yeah. it makes perfect sense to me too.Till later, netizens.
Thursday, April 24
Was halfway asleep. Bad dream, really bad. Shit. Random images in my head. Trying to clear the cobwebs. Tomorrow.
Hmm.. I've forgotten how good a workout can be until I stepped into the gym for the first time in months today. I actually thought about turning back halfway! But memories of my flab quickly put me back on the straight and narrow. And it was worth every moment. 45 minutes of pure cardio workout..followed by a hot shower..bliss! Not to mention it helped put a slight spring in my step as I walked back to the car (the slight muscle pain also helped). Must definitely do this more often. Have therefore come up with three times minimum workout schedule for myself, essential in getting rid of all the flab. But if the people with me there were to be factored in, I'm not in such bad shape. I know I'm being mean...hehehe but it helps the effort.
On another front, I am such a worrywart! Even though I have *officially* taken a hiatus from my girlfriend (ex??) I still find myself worrying about her..and also fidgeting if she doesn't reply to a Yahoo message or SMS. When that happens, I usually mentally kick myself. It's a hard habit to break, especially after 2 years..but I know if I'm ever to move on, and let HER move on, I'll have to gradually let go and start fading into the background. Maybe it's best that way. But till then, I guess I'll still have to wrestle with worrying and also the urge to tell her I love her..which I do, anyway, every chance I get. She replies in kind, but I know it's in a different context...ah! Charles Schulz was absolutely right. Not only does peanut butter lose its taste, but just about anything else.
Well..I think I shall retire early tonight. Sounds from No Doubt, Matchbox 20 and TelePopMusik will accompany me to sleep..till tomorrow, friends. God bless you..and me too.
Thursday! Hahahaah! Another day closer to the weekend..and sweet release. Alright, not so sweet. I still got to work this Saturday, which puts a big damper on the festivities.But still, a weekend is a weekend is a weekend. And damn it if I'm gonna let anything spoil it for me. As of now the only thing I got planned is a movie session..probably Willard. Have to catch it before it ends its run..and knowing Malaysian viewers, they'll all be crowding over the X2 and Matrix Reloaded booths..too busy to realise an undiscovered classic is sitting quietly by. Which is just the way I like it. Yes I know, I can be a right snob if I want to..and so far I feel like being a snob. Case in point: Sobranie last week. The drunken fools in front of me insisted that they're part of the MTV generation and couldn't handle Rashomon (Rashomon!!) when a look at their faces could tell you they were born years before MTV even existed. There's the glitterati for ya.
Anyhow, looks like a good day ahead..barring rain. Updates later, folks!
Wednesday, April 23
Yawn. Just finished watching CSI, where as usual, I am entertained, intrigued and also taught new things. Quality entertainment, if I do say so myself. Been an interesting day, but slightly tiring. And this even though I missed my gym appointment! May have been the gloomy weather, which more often than not stimulates the sleep centres in my brain. That and the fact I almost got squished by a falling tree makes me just want to fall into bed. Oh well..a good night's sleep is always welcome.
Had another moment of clarity today. Happened while I was talking to her on Yahoo.. actually connecting for the first time in weeks. It's like they say in those quotes you find all over the net and the songs you hear: it's not about possessing or keeping. I've come to realise and accept that as much as I want her to be mine, I can't force it, or the magic that brought us together in the first place will be lost. In all probability I may never get her back and she may find someone else...but as the days go by, that point becomes less and less important. What's important, to me at least, is that I can still love her. the way I like to think only I know how...and man, is it real. How else do you explain the strange feeling that makes you want to see her happy even if it's not with you? Or the way a simple laugh on her part makes you feel like a million bucks?
I don't think I can ever explain what happened in me these weeks. What I do know is that there's a certain sweetness that comes when you do something out of love. And though the parting may hurt (it usually does!) the thought of her being safe and happy..is enough to make this Bull's day. In the end, what else can I ask for? Goodnight, world. Sleep tight, now.
Hey people. Just a short update. Am currently quite bored at the office..seeing that I've almost finished up everything I need to do today. Since there'll be a meeting of sorts this afternoon..might as well take a little break. Ugh..hate myself for being so lazy..but I guess that's what happens when you get mood swings. And to top it off, left my bar of kitkat which my sis bought for me at home (which may be a good thing). Definitely don't need anymore calories. Oh well..enough rambling for now. Back to pseudo-work. Later, folks!
L'oiseau que tu croyais surprendre
Battit de l'aile et s'envola-
L'amour est loin, tu peux l'attendre;
Tu ne l'attends plus- il est là.
Tout autour de toi, vite, vite,
Il vient, s'en va, puis il revient-
Tu crois le tenir, il t'évite,
Tu veux l'éviter; il te tient
from Carmen, the Opera.
Stumped? Here's the translation:
The bird you caught by surprise
Beats its wing, and off it flies.
Love ignores you, you wait and mope,
Then there it is-when you give up hope.
Love's all around you. Quick, quick!
You have no man, or you have your pick.
Think you've found love?
It turns you down cold.
Think you've escaped it?
It has you in its hold.
Hey hey..it's Wednesday! (Yes, I know it's a bad attempt at rhyming..so sue me). Happens to be my favourite day of the week due to several reasons. One, CSI is on tonight. Second, it's the halfway point of the week, meaning that the weekend is effectively only 1 and a half days away. Finally, it also marks the start of my Get Trim Fast program (also known as Work Some of That Fat off Your Arse day). All in all, should be an okay midweek day. And also...just got a call from my mum again asking if I remembered that girl in school who's now a teacher yadda yadda. Seems she's been asking about me to my mum and my sister back home! As of now, love is the farthest thing in my mind..but it does give a pleasant buzz to know someone's actually interested in me. Well..as they say, beggars can't be choosers. Will put this particular development in the KIV list.
Was ruffling through some old stuff in my pc when I came over excerpts of a short story I wanted to write waay back when I was in my final year at Uni. That was like in..ermm...1999 or so. Yeah, before all this started. Anyway, I might decide to post it here, seeing that noone's gonna publish it anyway. If I think it looks good, maybe I'll start a serial of sorts. Hmm... gives me something to do.
Well, off to work then. Must keep busy so as to not get bogged down with trivialities such as emotions and feelings! Later!
Tuesday, April 22
Heard this as I was dozing off to in front of the tube...Wasn't prepared to listen to the lyrics though. It cut through the haze in my head like a hot knife through butter. Quickly jumped on the pc, searched at Google..and voila! If there was something I didn't expect from Daniel Bedingfield, it's this. It's called If Youre Not The One. To any of you who have the inclination, download it and listen. Sappy, maybe..but a mostly accurate reflection of me..now. Goodnight, world.
If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all
I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm prayin you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
The vagaries in Malaysian weather really lets our meteorologists earn their pay. At last count, it rained exactly 5 times in the space of a single day. I'm no whiz at geography (as my favourite teacher knows) but 5 times in a single day with threats of repeats? Definitely belongs in the Fortean Times. Otherwise, been an okay day. Had my faith in the education system somewhat restored when I found out in class that the students can speak English. Interesting, given that I've long given up on these Uni students grasping anything that's not served on a silver platter, preferably dressed in BM. This day has been particularly short..not that I'm complaining. Life moves along as usual stately pace..but for now, am just happy to still be alive. And while we're on THAT topic..
There was a short period during this past week I thought of something I never thought I would: death. And while the thought of suicide absolutely abhors me, during those few days more than once I found myself wondering how easy it would be to just let go of the steering wheel..and let inertia do its job. I was disgusted with myself..but I know now that I was also tired, sad and frustrated. Won't say I've gotten completely better, but for now I think it's safe to say that I'll be harbouring no more thoughts of dying..at least not for the next month or so.
Urgh. Morbid thoughts. On a lighter note, Pinquin (the misfit) was found cuddling up with the kittens last night, cleaning them. The fact that their real mother watched on almost disinterestedly was a good sign. Maybe she'll stop being such an angry cat and start behaving like a real pet. I guess I'll never cease to be amazed at what life can throw at me. Yeah, read somewhere that depressives alternate between extreme highs and lows..pretty much describes me nowadays..although for the life of me I don't THINK I'm depressed. Well, only time will tell.
That's it for today, I think. Need some time for me. Bye, folks!
Tuesday. Got into the office late, since had to return my ceremonial robes and what not. Also to pick up a 200 dollar check and my official Masters degree. Yes my friends, have now officially moved up the ranks of academia (although honestly, don't feel as if I'm cleverer at all). On the way to the office, was listening to the morning crew on Hitz. They had something called Tackle your Friend Tuesday, where some lucky sod would be given an extra boost in approaching his/her secret crush. The result today was quite amusing..and was good for a belly laugh all the way to the parking lot. On another note, am drawing up a Lose My Fat fitness program. Hopefully starting tomorrow.
This one won't be a long post. Too much to do today. Till later, my friends!
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000), Charlie Brown in "Peanuts
Monday, April 21
Another Monday done..and it's been okay. Slightly topsy turvy..but then again wouldn't be my life if it weren't. Had dinner with her cousin and his girlfriend at 15. As always, they were wonderful company..even though they're at least 4 years older. Rosalia knew..I guess it's a woman kinda thing. She took one look at me and asked me: "So you guys still together or not?". Days of preparation went down the drain. I spilled. Not everything, but they got the gist of it. No details..just the outline. The outcome? We're going clubbing this weekend. Hilarious, I know. But I've got to admit, they're being excellent people. Wish I could repay them one day. Note to self: must focus on not being so bloody obvious (which is strange, since I looked and felt fine. But hey, woman's intuition and all that). In fact, might have the whole weekend plotted out. And Johan mentioned something about an ex-girlfriend who's a stewardess. Hey, a guy can hope. Now to see if my hair can grow back by Friday.
Too tired to post anything longer. Tomorrow, maybe. And in the meantime, here's something from a song called Unwell from Matchbox 20. Some people say I can sing like Rob Thomas. Don't know if it's true..but I like to think that maybe..just maybe. And pigs can fly and I can get my life back. Heheh. G'night, people!
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
Chorus: But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me
I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind
I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away
Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell
Another Monday morning at the office. And as usual, I'm early. Well, no better place to start my day than the blog. Let's see...ah yes. Yesterday. Woke up early as usual (damn my circadian rythm!) and spent several minutes staring at the wall clock. 3 minutes later, my dad called to inform me they were already leaving. Groaning, I heaved myself off the sofa, woke my sis up and attempted to make myself look presentable (this involves lots of shaving cream, toothpaste and shower foam, which usually results is myself looking worse than I did before). Since everything had already been pre-ironed, all that was left was load the stuff into the car and head to Kajang, where my parents would be. Was still worried about the hood (forgot to tell y'all. My Uni has a hood/scarf thing that has to sit on top of the ceremonial robe. Fricking hard to tie!) but decided to handle it when I got to campus.
Oh. Also have to mention that am now disgustingly fat. Been looking at all the photos my brother took (the ones not on Ofoto) and I definitely need a lifestyle change. In essence, I hate myself. Especially above the neck. I lose weight easily everywhere else, but my face...argh!. Well, back to the story. Met up with my parents in Kajang, where we had a quick lunch and shower, after which we ran back to the car and rushed to UPM. What followed was the usual thingamajig where you line up, walk slowly in, look very solemn, sit down, get up, line up again, look solemn, get your degree, line up...you get the picture. Couldn't hang around for very long after that, since weather was getting a bit unfriendly. Drove back around 6...bought dinner..ate..and had an early night. The ceremony was alright..until about halfway through. I lapsed into that state of semi consciousness that always hits me during long boring speeches or meetings..and several words flew into my head: kissy-wissy and huggy-wuggy. Granted, nonsense words for sure to everyone else, but something that triggered an almost overwhelming flood of emotions in me. Then I realised why I wasn't enjoying myself as much: the person I wanted most to be there, wasn't. As I looked back at the assembled family members, friends, wives, girlfriends and fiances, I realised that I had a piece missing..and all it needed to fill it was someone..who may not be there anymore. I was mistaken about those words. I thought if I kept them hidden, they'd lose their potency and die. Instead, they stood patiently in a remote corner of my mind..gaining power, waiting for the moment when they would be spoken again. And, man, did they have it in spades. I understand now that those words (and many others) cannot be killed. They instead turn into symbols..of a life once lived, a love lost, found and lost again, and also of the power that one person can have over another.
Which brings me to this morning. I had one of those lucid dreams last night (the kind where you know you're dreaming). I saw her in a crowded city, walking in the opposite direction. I called out to her and almost touched her when I saw her eyes..empty, like the flames in a fake fireplace. I knew then that I had to let her go..and only she could decide if she wanted to return. A lot of things to happen in one day? In my life, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Sunday, April 20
Hello people. Sorry about the lack of updates, but this weekend has seriously been very very fast. Feels like only yesterday I went for Rashomon..and here I am already contemplating work tomorrow. Graduation day has come and gone...and honestly, am too tired to do anything but compose my next post for tomorrow. Yeah, don't worry, Constant Reader. All the gory details (uninteresting, of course) will be available for your perusal this time tomorrow. So till then, lemme just leave you with some pictures at Ofoto.com. Don't have an account? Get one!
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow...
Saturday, April 19
Well, here it is. The last post for today. Just came back from dinner with my girl(friend)'s parents. They were nice enough to invite me to accompany them to Friday's. Had a wonderful, wonderful dinner and a nice long chat afterwards. I was totally unprepared for what I felt the whole of this evening: utter sadness. Not through any fault of theirs, however. They were wonderful, as always. I guess it was the strain of having to pretend that everything's okay with me and their daughter that pushed me over. Sorry folks, I KNOW I promised not to moan and whine anymore. Just one more time, okay?
We had a nice chat about the world in general, life and also their daughter. They kept asking me how she was, how things were between both of us, how many times she called a day and so on. I smiled, grit my teeth and lied. I told them things were fine, that we kept in touch a lot, and that life in general was great. I didn't see any sense in dragging them into my problems. They're about some of the best people I know..and I wasn't about to break their hearts. At one point, I was so tempted to just tell them everything and be done with it..but I didn't see what good it would have done. Her brother knew something was up, though..and started asking me questions. I answered them as evasively as I could. He's smart, though..and very perceptive. Good kid. Now just hope I can keep this up..
So there we go. Just a short whining session. Tomorrow's graduation day, I got my digital camera..and work's starting to look up. So why am I still so unhappy? Maybe some questions better unanswered. Sleepy now...better turn in. Goodnight.
Just got back from the store. Am now officially the proud owner of a Canon PowerShot G3 (read: sweet!). This greatly improves my mood overall. Also went to accompany my (girl??)friend's mom and brother to do some shopping. They even invited me to dinner. Will prove to be a welcome distraction from the hubbub that is tomorrow. Urgh...well..at least I have good company to spend time with today. After this whole graduation fuss is over, can relax and focus on work.
Sleepy now. Waiting for the camera to charge itself so I can take pictures of the cats! Yay!
Yawn. Just got back from Rashomon. Quite good movie..although finding Sobranie proved to be quite a pain. Anyhow, that cheered me up somewhat. Only 7 of us in the theatre..and 5 of them were halfway drunk, stumbling in from a corporate get together outside. The restaurant was as expected, posh and littered with glitterati, some of which I have no idea who they are. Didn't eat there though, as lack of funds proved.
Now am impatiently awaiting following day to buy digital camera. That should brighten things up even more. Oh..and the new kittens have now officially opened their eyes! Will post pics as soon as I can...hehehe. Watching them burrowing all over Portobello soothes me somewhat. Weird. Ah well..it's late, and fever's striking again. More updates tomorrow..promise!
Friday, April 18
Grrr.... am now very pissed and absolutely cannot wait to get home. Work, work and more work..must remember not to take extended days off without reason. These people seem to have a knack for knowing when I'm vulnerable to work and immediately dumping more on me. The weather's not helping as well. Anyways, hopefully will be distracted tonight by Kurosawa's Rashomon at Sobranie. Nothing like a complicated, deeply intricate yarn to take things off my own complicated mind. Must remember to wear something decent, though. From what I see, quite a posh kind of place. The kind of place where poseurs lounge around sipping their overpriced drinks while maintaining that smug, self-indulgent expression on their faces. Oh yeah. But I'm not going for them. I am going for Kurosawa. And Kurosawa is always worth some snooty designer chic/bohemian wannabees looking down their noses at you.
On a more sunny note, my dad has decided to surprise my mum with a digital camera. Yours truly will head out to the big city tomorrow and attempt to secure one at the best price. Heavy responsibility, as I am now torn between getting the PowerShot or something a little more modest..argh! Fever's acting up again as well...definitely not a good time to be sick. Graduation's around the corner and I must say it's shaping up to be quite interesting.
Oh well..my life has never been very normal anyway. At least not by my standards. But I know things are moving in this great big marble we call home..and some of them may even involve me. Later, folks!
Hello people! Have recovered somewhat from my bout with the flu, although it left its mark in the trademark running nose. Am now sitting in the office, sifting through the mountain of e-mail in my inbox. It's amazing what 5 days can do to your e-mail account. Oh, and it's also amazing how some people can dump a whole load of unrelated work on your shoulders just because you didn't show up at work for a week! Yes, I am now head of this committee and that, not to mention having to emcee a high level seminar thing next month. Lucky I know the uni's PRO. He'll be able to give me some pointers. Ugh. Well..anyway, have a meeting to go to now. Updates later today.
P.S: I still want a digital camera. Very very badly.
Thursday, April 17
Ah...the sweet moment of clarity. I think in everyone's life there comes an elusive moment (or 10) when everything seems clear and the fog that always seems to linger around the edges of your vision gets lifted and you see things as they really are (or at least, as real as they can get). These can either be epiphanies or downright mood destroyers. I think I had the former. And the result is...
that I realised I am a commitment freak. Yup, you read that right. In the age of Sex and The City, men who actually desire something more stable than a wham-bam-thank you ma'am unfortunately have it very hard indeed, regardless of what you may read in Cosmo, Cleo, Woman or any number of publications or watch on TV. No matter how many times you hear women lament about the non-existence of good, solid men, once you start making yourself shown...you usually end up finishing last. Yup, I suppose generations of men before me have finally reached their (unconscious) objective after centuries of cheating on women: reversing the positions so that now we're the ones looking for security. I guess there's only ourselves to blame. No wonder so many men I know have turned gay. They must have started off as guys looking for a stable relationship. Finding none, they then sought solace with other men suffering the same "affliction". Finally, realising how futile their search was, they just took it to the next level. Still a theory for now, but one I shall research pretty soon. Look out for updates.
Nice guys finish last. Bad guys always get the chicks. Didn't believe in it..although now I honestly think whoever came up with the phrase deserves to be called a prophet. Here I am, having just finished an extended conversation with my (girl??)friend, when it hit me: I've been moaning and moping for the past month because I lack the standard genetic component present in males that makes me safe, namely the particular gene that despises commitment, looks to have the most sex with the most amount of partners and simply doesn't give a fuck for anything beyond money, cars, fun, football and the next lay. So there we have it. The heart of the matter staring at my face. I stared back. It didn't budge. I didn't expect it to. I gave in, it gave me a cheeky look and ran off. Figures.
Anyway, to cut to the chase, the understanding is that both of us are free to pursue whatever activities with whomever we want, while maintaining a thread of emotional attachment only to each other. Do I like it? Not really. But I guess it works as a temporary solution. Of course, this also means that we both now have little to no authority pertaining to each other's sexual activities. (Ha!) But hey, we have to start somewhere. Of course, if I was a typical Alpha male, I'd be whooping for joy now and hitting the clubs or wherever men pick up women nowadays. However, seeing that I belong to a slowly dying breed (also known as The One You Can Always Count On or He Who Will Always Be There, also The Marrying Kind) I shake my head, sigh, and dig myself in deeper (read: wait. and footnote: this also because I don't have the money). BUT!! BUT!! I have also learned that that particular gene's traits CAN be simulated through practice and also much banging head against walls. Therefore, as of the new day, I am now..starting a restructuring program for this blog and my life! Moaning and moping to be limited!! More exposure to Life Events!! Much ado about Nothing!! Actively pursue more Alpha Male-oriented Lifestyle!! And so on..
It'll take some time, I know. But once you're here..might as well go all the way. Hey, if all else fails, there's always that schoolteacher back in my hometown who had a crush on me since I was 12 and she 10. There may be some truth in this whole love after marriage thing...Hmm... Well, that's all for today, folks. My sofa beckons...g'night!
Ugh. Having the flu is not a pleasant experience. Nose had been running all morning, not to mention head throbbing like crazy. This update was supposed to tell y'all about camp..but I doubt my brain can process that much information. Woke up early today, and went to collect my graduation robe for Sunday's ceremony (Yay! I will soon officially have my master's!). After that, didn't have strength to get to the office, therefore went to see my familiar (but today unfriendly) GP to get a checkup, medication and a leave cert.
Went home after that, where I crashed on the couch waiting for the medication to kick in. Was just starting to feel better when my mum called and said they'll be coming to my graduation after all. How surprising! And this after they walked out halfway on my first ceremony...3 years ago. Guess now I know why I don't like to involve them in these things. They even wanted to buy a digital camera! Hearing this bit of news, I got better immediately and leapt to the nearest store to check out the prices. Almost succeeded in convincing them to buy a Canon Powershot G3..when my dad said they couldn't afford it. Ah well...it was good while it lasted. Also managed to buy some DVDs to send over: Mononoke Hime and Spirited Away.
Well...actifed's kicking in. Shall take a little nap. Will come back with more updates later.
Wednesday, April 16
Hey people..am back. After almost a week...I'd be lying if I said I'm not glad to be back..but at the same time, am also scared. As hell. Tired as hell too. Been indoctrinated, near-brainwashed, battered, flooded and rained on, not to mention having to spend time with people who have the vision and intellectual ability of a tree stump. Back to the still unresolved issue of my love life (its existence, actually) I suppose the moment of truth is near enough. I have to get an answer, regardless whether it's good or bad. Been thinking about it a lot these past few days..it gave me an escape from the drudgery of camp. I think I'm finally ready now to accept the truth.. I want to move on. I'm starting to find out what I need in life. I've missed her so much these few days..I had to consciously stop myself from sending her messages every other hour.
But anyhow, now is now and then was then. Am getting very sick...must be all the rain. Updates later.
Saturday, April 12
Hahahahah! Managed to sneak in a final blog update! Am now in the office, on a Saturday, waiting for lunch and the inevitable trip of doom. Obviously couldn't resist dropping one more line before am whisked off into oblivion. Hope the rest of you travellers have a good week ahead..eat well.. be safe..and for those of you in SARS-affected countries, wear a mask! Take care, people..the journey continues on the next thrilling and exciting webisode (I hope you get this one) of...The Strange and Magnificent Adventures of the Insane Ox! (Well. Okay. Not so magnificent and strange. But they are to me...heheh).
Ahem. For now.. back to the office..the camp..and the real world. Miss my kittens already. Bye, Buttons, Truffles and Matsutake/Chanterelle!
Later! (Actually..in 5 days!!)
Friday, April 11
So here we are..the last post for tonight..and possibly the next 5 days. For the people reading this (if any), I'll miss posting my rantings, ravings and what not here. Sounds crazy I know, but maintaning this blog has become such an intrinsic part of my daily life..then there's that catharsis thing. Without being overtly melodramatic, I'd just like to say goodbye (for now), blog. For my Constant Reader, fear not! I shall be back with more titillating details on this extremely grandiose (to me, at least) attempt of a play (or soap opera) that is my life. There should be tons of updates as I return (and be prepared for more news on my kittens!). Once again..farewell people..and God bless.
But love is blind and lovers cannot see
The pretty follies that themselves commit;
For if they could, Cupid himself would blush
To see me thus transformed to a boy.
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), The Merchant of Venice, Act II Scene 6
Hmm..I've decided to start off this post on a slightly less depressing note. I think the news I have to bring somewhat justifies it. My new kittens are sooooo cute! They're barely 2 days old but they look bigger already! Taking into consideration a suggestion from a certain authority (wink, wink) I have decided to compile a list of names for them. Here they are in no particular order: Buttons, Truffles, and Enoki (for those of you living under a rock these past few millennia, or Iraq for that matter, those are mushrooms). Yeah, I know Enoki still sounds off. But I'm hesitant to name him/her Maitake, for an obvious reason (not so obvious to you guys)..seeing how badly Shiitake turned out. Other names I'm considering are Chanterelle (obviously female), Girolle and Crimini. Any other suggestions? Drop me a line. Seeing em burrow under Portobello's tummy really takes my mind off of things..and I think I was right. They are the silver lining, in a very strange way. Curious yet as to my cats' names? Here they are: Spaghetti "Catty-watty" Carbonara (male), Shiitake and Portabello Mushroom (sisters), Pinquin Prawn Fussili (misfit, crack baby-cat) and the newest additions, of whose sex I have yet to determine.
So there..I think that should be less depressing enough for today. Just got back from Carrefour where I spent nearly a hundred bucks buying stuff for tomorrow's camp. Yeah..and I didn't even buy anything of quality! I suppose it'll have to be worth it, though. First time I've actually bought so many things without that someone with me...(not counting my sister). *sigh* Oh well..I suppose might as well learn to live with it..although it's damn difficult to do. Here's to the things I miss most about you, princess. I'm finding more every day.
Well..am going to have my dinner for now..maybe one last update before I turn in..and after I pack. Until then, be safe and have a good weekend. Mother Theresa sums up how I feel perfectly when she said:
Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible
I hear you, ma'am. And as usual, the parting quote:
Find the person who will love you because of your differences and
not in spite of them and you have found a lover for life.
I honestly thought I have, Leo. I honestly thought I have.
10 o'clock and already damn hungry. Yeah, it's my innate stress-busting mechanism kicking in. Stressed? Eat. Urgh. Lucky for me, I've managed to tone it down somewhat. Now it's either sleep, clean house (stop laughing, damn you!), play video games, drive around aimessly...or watch porn. Yeah, beats me too. Although what with rising enforcement and costs, the latter is slowly but surely going into a decline. Good thing too.
My Guestbook has a new entry..which qualifies for a celebration today. And no, I didn't write it. A very nice person called Melissa did. Would tip the hat off to her if I wore one. Since I don't, I'll just have to make do with an honourable mention here. Thanks very much for the acknowledgement, eh? Went some way in making my day.
As for other things...let's see the score: On a scale of 1 to 10 (where 10 means you're either dead and in heaven OR you're Hugh Jackman) Love life: -2, Life in General: 3. That's about right, I think. Now let's see what else this day can throw at me.
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)
Friday already..man, time sure flies. And I'm not even having fun. Went for a drive last night..hoping to clear my head. Spun around the neighbourhood before deciding to go slightly further into town. Managed to tire myself sufficiently before dropping off to sleep. Did I clear my head? Somewhat. Do I feel better? No. Just numb.
Will be leaving work early today...since I have to buy stuff for the course. Regular things..socks, shower cream, toothpaste, track pants. And deodorant. Never forget deodorant when you're going into the jungle. I realised something after last night's drive. I'm so reluctant to go to this course thing not because of what I'll be leaving behind..but what I'll find when I come back. Or in this case, what I might not find. Pretty much out of my hands now...there's only so much I can humanly do. Will probably post the last update before I turn in..or if I'm lucky enough, tomorrow just before I leave. In the meantime, am taking this Friday slowly. Hopefully will be able to go out sometime tonight. Still waiting for my friend to confirm the where and when. Oh, and there'd better be chicks..preferably drunk. I am desperately in need of entertainment.
So jungle, here I come. I hope you're ready. I hope I'M fucking ready. Later, folks.
Thursday, April 10
If there was ever a time I wished I was an android..this is one of them. Head's still spinning..and my mood hasn't improved much the whole day. Besides, being an android means not having to cope with difficult emotions. Now THAT would really improve productivity. One day left before I get drafted into the camp of doom. So many things I wish I could cram into these short hours..but these things take time...not to mention the flight to NZ would cost too much money and time..for now. Maybe it would help to disappear for awhile. I think I'm actually starting to wake up a bit..to the fact that there may not be anything at all for me here. I've forced myself to be an optimist throughout most of my young life..and it's worked so far. In light of recent developments (now I'm starting to sound like a newsreader) however, I must admit, the temptation to just give it all up and sink in is so powerful.
Yeah, we all want something out of life. Sometimes we want more than one thing. Specifics may differ, but it's usually in the vein of a good job, wealth and all its trappings, and if we're really lucky, that special someone who thinks we're worth a million bucks. Like Neo waking up from the Matrix or John Preston missing his Prozium dose, the edges of my vision get cloudy..and I think I'm seeing some things I know I don't like. Not liking them doesn't mean they'll go away, however. So there we have it. Life in general has now been declared...sucky!
On a lighter note..I have some more kittens!! My favourite tabby, Portobello..evidently got pregnant without me knowing. I've always thought she was just fat until I got home today and found her nursing 3 kittens!! So now I have 7 cats!! Well..not much for me to do now except play daddy to these fortunately healthy, miaowing fools. Well..they should help pass the time somewhat. Maybe they're the silver lining in the cloud that's been over me for weeks now. Feel like laughing and crying at the same time..but will probably cry anyway..tears come so easily now.
That's all for today...goodnight, world. Sleep tight, and God bless.
Ahh..finally! It's 3 pm and I can start to think about getting back home. Slow day at the office..tying up loose ends before I go for that course thing. Might even fly off early today..hmm...now that's an idea. Having too much time on my hands started me thinking..For all intents and purposes, the war in Iraq (what war?) is already drawing to a close. Looking at the images of Saddam's statue being toppled suddenly brings to mind a similar scene from the enhanced version of Star Wars: Return of the Jedi. In the closing scenes, as the Ewoks and their allies celebrate their victory over the Empire, other planets also celebrate their deliverance. One particular shot sees a statue of the emperor being toppled in Coruscant, home of the Imperial Senate, in a strangely similar manner. Of course, it's only coincidence..but that particular war had an unfair advantage going for it: it was in a movie. This one here, however, in OUR universe, cannot end so cleanly, no matter how much we'd like to think so. There will have to be cleaning up and rebuilding..and also regoverning. All of which, if we are to believe the Cowboy President, will be taken care of. How? This was never really explained to us lay people. Maybe through the magic of good ol' America, the land of dreams, freedom and assorted bullshit.
If Afghanistan is anything to go by, Iraq will be nothing but a mere shadow of itself, run by a fictitious puppet government, which in turn will be put there by a man who won a fictitious election..in short, lies upon more lies. Not much we can do but look on and pray Mr Bush doesn't think to turn his pre-emptive strikes our way. What else is there to do? Go on with our lives, drink our Starbucks, rush on with our jobs and careers, drive our imported Volvos and Beemers and Saabs, come home to our spouses/partners/kids (some whose names and schools we already forget), and generally put this behind us..safely we think. Where it belongs, we think. As we sip our triple lattes and enjoy our pastries (Imported!.. they scream. Try us!!.. they plead) we rationalise our actions for the day and think..we've done some good.
I honestly hope we're right, for all our sakes.
Going off now..updates tonight. My head's spinning too fast.
Is it just me, or is time moving extra slowly today? Seems like it's taking ages to even get to lunchtime. As much as I hate to admit it, still on the rollercoaster...and shit! My paranoia's back..in a big way. It's become so bad, I'm agonising over every unreplied email, Yahoo message or SMS. This is NOT the way I want to live my day..but I guess it's to be expected. It's painful as hell..and having no one I can tell except the blog is excruciating. I just wish I could magic the pain away..but I can't.
Just confirmed the 4-day course starting Saturday. Am scared shitless..4 days of not knowing where she is or what she's doing. I know I have to face it, but I'm just too chicken to face what might be waiting for me when I come back. I just realised I live my life in weekly cycles. Good week, bad week. Slightly better week, awful week. As a rule, good weeks are almost always followed by extremely bad weeks.. *sigh* It's enough to drive anyone crazy. However, I don't have the luxury, time or inclination to just embrace the insanity.
This is getting to be too depressing. Later, folks.
Another day at work..just got in and am damn hungry. Still a bit drained from these past few days..but otherwise alive. Really wish I don't have to for that stupid course..that's really adding to the general aura of unpleasantness that's permeating my environment (or is it my halitosis?). Am trying to get as much work done as I can..since that's one escape that usually works. The PS2 will probably be seeing some abuse too, as I attempt to channel anger and frustration at hordes of enemies on-screen. Ah, catharsis. Such a wonderful word. How useful it is, too.
Upgraded the old Guestbook to a newer version. I doubt there'll actually be any posts..but hey..better provide the facility, in the off chance some web surfer might stumble into this particular nook on the web. Well..back to work, then. Updates throughout the day. Oh, the mood of the week is Vengeance. To set the tone, here's something from one of my favourite philosophers:
If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.
Niccolo Machiavelli (1469 - 1527)
You da man, Nick. Obviously, a particular fool never read this. I'm coming to get ya, punk.
Wednesday, April 9
Hi people..just finished setting up Insane Ox 2.0, my new blog. It's got a whole new layout and better content, I hope. As for the Rumblings, it will still be here, and will be dedicated to the inside story..of the Taurean Warrior. For those of you unfortunate enough to become entangled in the story that is my life, do not fear. You're always welcome to come and drink of the well of experience. Spread the word..the Ox is here. Oh, and just added a rudimentary guestbook. Nothing fancy, but you're welcome to post your thoughts and comments there.
Well...an end to a very disconcerting day. It's been topsy turvy to say the least..and everything's still upside down. I can only hope that time will bring clarity..and also a much needed release. This particular Ox has no choice but to forge ahead, knowing full well this journey may prove as futile as Sisyphus's eternal burden. But then again, Sisyphus never had something so valuable to strive for. It is a poignant but necessary reminder that nothing is ever certain. A twist of fate, and everything you hold dear can come crashing down. Rebuilding the trust, love and faith in a relationship is a slow, long process. I only pray I can hold on..and that a particular person knows just how much she's worth..at least in this star-struck bull's eyes.
Be safe, travellers.
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), "On Reading and Writing"
Got myself a new blog account. It's still a work in progress, and will hopefully offer more professional content. It's here. It'll probably be dedicated to tech stuff..and other causes dear to my heart. As for this blog..only time will tell its fate. Off home now..bye people.
Back from the meeting. Looks like I'll still have to go for that bloody course from the 12-16th. That effectively means my weekend is gone. On the upside, it will mean that I'll only need to be at the office on the 17th (Thurs)..embraced by a boatload of work. And that also means no blog updates starting Saturday. Not that anyone'll miss it. Oh well...I might as well get this over and done with. Too many other things to do...and right now, I really need an exit. BTN, here I come.
Afternoon, now. Weather's so hot that my head's pounding. Being confused, semi heart-broken and paranoid doesn't help. Have a meeting at 2.00.Urgh..wish I could just disappear for awhile. Even that takes money nowadays...
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions
May wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
As the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you
So shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth
So is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses
Your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and
Shake them in their clinging to the earth.
The Prophet by Gibran Kahlil Gibran
So it's come down to this. Anger, sadness, disappointment..I don't know where one starts and the other ends. Couldn't really sleep last night..was twisting and turning. Finally managed to cry myself to sleep around 2 am. Yes, cry. I'm not ashamed of it..fact is, I have no idea how else to react. My whole world has officially come down on me..and I'm left in the rubble. How DOES one react? Do I scream and yell? Punch a hole in my wall? Get drunk and crash my car? What?? Unfortunately for me, I can't and don't do all that. Doesn't help matters. Shit, I'm too practical for my own good.
I won't go into the details of what happened here..too painful. But the blog knows..she knows, and I know. That's enough for me. At the moment..am so confused. And hurt. . I had to take off my ring today..didn't feel right, somehow. I can only pray that I can still salvage this relationship. She was right..love isn't enough. And I fear that I may have to make a decision soon. One that may result in me being alone..again. God, just thinking of it scares me..For now, the only solace I can find is in the words of people before me who, like me have seen something beautiful..and strived to make it more than just a memory. Here's something for you, princess:
Other men have seen angels,
But I have seen thee
And thou art enough.
Tuesday, April 8
Not good. Something's definitely wrong. *sigh* And what, after only a week? 2 weeks? I haven't the details yet, but looks like there's trouble again in my love life. I've been having this bad feeling in my stomach this whole evening..and I just got an SMS that kinda confirmed it. I'd be lying if I said I'm not panicking..but I am..I don't know what to do. When your girlfriend suddenly says you need to talk and might not love her anymore after that...it doesn't take Einstein to figure out something's wrong. Of course, there's never good news after the sentence "We need to talk..". At the moment, a dozen different nightmare scenarios are going through my mind, and although I know it's late, I can't close my eyes.
Must not panic. Must not over react. God, it's so hard. I mentioned this earlier, and I'll say it again. When that punch hits you..it hits you hard. I guess I might as well try and get some sleep...no matter how difficult that may be. Hopefully, I'll know what's wrong by tomorrow..and hopefully..whatever's wrong..can be fixed. I'm at the end of my tether. God, if you're listening, I need some strength. Please?
Good night, world.
Oh man..desperately need to unload..No sign of the girlfriend yet, and ditto the window guy :-( . I guess, when all's said and done, it's once again the blog to the rescue. Hello again, blog..Seems like my daily posts keep getting more frequent and longer, too. Think it's got something to do with all the stress I've been through these last couple weeks. Life's tough when you can't simply pick up the phone, call up someone you can trust, and just simply unload all this crap. Gets tougher when you're a guy. Society tells us to be "tough", "take it like a man" and "don't be a wuss". Feelings? Forget you have them. Any sign of those, and we become Sensitive New-Age Guys (SNAGs). That opens a whole new world of pain. You then either become a fake (feigning feelings to get into some girl's knickers), or not enough of a real man, losing the respect of any woman in the process. So where does one go? Knowing guys my age, no one will ever admit to want to talk about these things. Unfortunately for me, I am slightly deficient in that area. My loss, huh?
Looking back, I've never had a best friend. Not in the proper sense. Growing up in a small town and being the son of its most respected physician gave me a certain stigma. Kids would shy away from me...and I'd be too far along in my reading or knowledge to be able to converse with them. Oh I tried to fit in alright, and sometimes succeeded, but more often than not, I'd be the class nerd, the one with the thick black framed glasses, his nose always in a book or other. And did I mention I sucked at sports? I sucked so much that I'd actually experienced having the teacher have to intervene in team games..since no one would (publicly, anyway) pick me. Believe me, things like that can severly impair a child's self esteem. And so it went on, me winning all the academic awards (and not feeling a bit proud of it) just to make sure people would at least...remember me. I used to be the one indoors during the holidays, never having anywhere to go to. My parents would forbid me to go on any school trip. My early school years were, to say the least...sad. It became so bad that I volunteered to spend school breaks with my grandparents, as they doted on me. With them, I could really be my cheery, blabby self..and they'd happily play along. I was devastated when first my grandpa, then grandma died. In hindsight, I guess that's when I really withdrew...
And so on it went, until I was 13. My mom applied for this private boarding school and I jumped at the opportunity..finally I would be leaving this small town...hopefully to make some real friends. I was disappointed again, however. The kids there were too snooty to notice this new, gawky kid from the country who still sucked at sports. I joined a group of outcasts (read: other nerds) and we scraped together for the next 2 years. It was fun...and I often wish I could get in touch with them again. 1994 rolled about..and I left again..this time to another boarding school. And so it went, until I finally settled into Uni. Friendships were often transitory at best, as most of my schoolmates had a certain..mentality that was difficult to bridge.
What's the point of all this? I don't really know. Is this a cry for help? Am I sinking into depression? Am I reading too much into this whole thing and should I just let it go? Sometimes...what I wish for, more than anything else, is a best friend. Someone who I could just drop my guard and tell everything to. I realise I've become too much of a stoic these past few years. Though I wish I could undo it, the best thing that I can find to alleviate some of that pain is just to have someone listen..and tell me things will work out. Another way to put it is..I need some ME time. Used to have that..and it's more difficult now that she's abroad. I don't dare put some more stress on an already strained relationship. Oh well..I guess the only thing to do now is grit it and bear it. I just pray I'll be able to still be me.
G'night, blog. G'night world. G'night Princess.
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams
The contractor came and went..told me he'd send over someone to look at the window tonight. Therefore am anxiously awaiting his arrival. Although honestly, with the weather pouring outside, I doubt he'll want to come. Still, got to have faith in human nature, regardless of how fast it's being whittled down at the moment. After lunch, saw a Brit movie I've been waiting for a couple months : 28 Days After. Picked it up to watch at home..was surprised at how hideous the transfer was, and this time the bootleggers didn't even bother putting in their horrific subtitles! Am very tempted to return it, but have no idea at all what to exchange it for..
At the moment, am waiting for my girlfriend to come online. She's a bit depressed today, so I hope I can offer some consolation. It's the least I can do. *sigh* Not to mention I miss her like hell. Sometimes I feel there's a mechanism or two in my brain that's shorted out. Been talking to her almost all of last night, and still miss her! Have definitely got to get a life...and soon! Just finished dinner, and have succesfully patched things up with the sis. Another thing I so love about the weather here's that it can be raining cats and dogs outside, but still hot on the inside! I guess that's what we get for living in such a humid, tropical country.
Well, am signing off for now. Maybe will post another rant before I turn in. Later, folks.
Almost noon, and am not at work. Normally this would see me in a movie, looking for video games, browsing through second hand book stores or even lounging happily at home. Unfortunately for me, I have been forced to choose option E: None of the above. At home I may be, but not lounging and definitely not happy. Still quite pissed at my sister, although honestly I don't know how to scold her anyway. Why did I have to be such a big softie? Consolation is to be gotten however, by taking some of the costs out of her allowance. Hey, I don't make the rules. You help break 'em, you help pay for 'em.
Stomach already rumbling...woke up quite late today. A combination of overall stress and a late night. Luckily for me, managed to do something constructive before I hit the sack. Helped my girlfriend finish up her research proposal. Poor girl must be so tired..she literally stayed up the whole night to do it. Hope she's alright though..Since I am home now, might as well go get lunch and maybe some form of entertainment. I think I deserve that much, at least. My bedroom is awfully bright though. The missing window does wonders to air it out and bring some sunshine in. Oh, and rain, too.
I think I'll take a bath now, before the contractor comes in. I hope he DOES come. Want this whole episode behind me ASAP. Till later folks...
There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
Salvador Dali (1904 - 1989)
Monday, April 7
Definitely NOT a good start to my week. Everything went well the first half of the day, leading me to believe this might be an occurrence of a rarity: a good Monday. Sure, the weather was hot (34 degrees!!) and much paperwork was to be done, but I felt like I could handle it. Until I got home. For some weird reason, the weather did an about face. Torrential rains poured down from the heavens threatening flash floods that could stop me from heading home. I braved it, however, went to fetch my sister from Carrefour (while buying dinner) and drove home in expectations of sitting down and enjoying my food. Alas, that was not to be. Thanks to my sister's ineptitude, my bedroom window which she left open, was blown by the wind and crashed against its frame which resulted in the glass shattering and said window frame hanging only by its hinges in an angle I can only describe as skewed. I'd post a picture, only I'm too damn poor to afford a digital camera.
So much for my Good Monday. I then had to call the landlord, who cheerily assured me it was in my best interests to pay for it, and then flip through the phone book for contractors... Was already hearing my money flap away...not to mention the 500 dollar deposit I'll have to put down before work of any kind can be done. Yes folks, seems like my sister has singlehandedly managed to almost ruin my whole month. Some consolation is to be gained, as a friend told me the actual cost of replacing the window shouldn't be that expensive. Am still keeping my fingers crossed, however. Seems like only yesterday I inserted that quote from Doug Adams about the whole things that can go wrong thing. How wonderful.
Well, that should be enough ranting for one post. And did I mention I'll have to skip work tomorrow? Strangely, I don't feel happy at all. Grr.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Sunday, April 6
Hello again. Had an interesting afternoon. Watched a good movie on DVD. In my opinion, Christian Bale is definitely an actor to watch for. Having first seen him in Shaft (as the bad guy), I was impressed enough to seek out his first film, American Psycho. He's had his share of not-so-good ones (the ultimately flawed Reign Of Fire comes to mind) but those faults were never because of the acting. Bale and the ingenious Colin Farrel definitely should be on Hollywood's A list. Back to the movie. It's a little-known sci-fi tale called Equilibrium. In the movie, Bale is John Preston, an elite member of the Cleric class in the city of Libria. It is the future, and all emotion has been outlawed. Citizens are required to get regular doses of an emotion-suppressing drug several times a day, and any form of resistance (or sense offenders, as they are called) is treated extremely harshly. Books are burnt, paintings destroyed, and song is only a remembrance. In the opening scene, we see the state police and Clerics in action as they raid a Resistance den. A print of the Mona Lisa is torched, the offenders killed outright and an unfeeling Bale watches over the proceedings (Oh, and did I mention Sean Bean of Boromir fame also has a cameo as Bale's partner? Another reason to like the movie). All in a day's work for John Preston. However, as we find out soon enough, he misses his dosage the next morning, and his awakening begins. After suffering withdrawal symptoms, Preston begins to discover that the city he protects is not such a utopia after all..
Comparisons will doubtless be made to The Matrix, Dark City and other films of this ilk. Especially The Matrix. But Equilibrium manages to hold its own against these movies, and also one-ups them in certain ways. For instance, Preston is established early on as being extremely proficient in a specialised form of martial arts with guns. It is not that he has a special, paranormal power (think Neo). Instead, members of the Cleric class are trained since childhood to be able to kill efficiently and silently.Their martial arts enables them to calculate the exact angle of fire necessary to neutralise threats, and at the same time evade enemy fire. This results in some of the best gunfight sequences I have ever seen in a film. To make a long story short, the plot, acting and the action are all very well done, and really drew me in. Oh, and be prepared to meet Preston's match in Taye Diggs, in a role he evidently relished. I honestly can't recommend it enough to fans of thinking (and butt-kicking) movies. Definitely worth a DVD purchase..or at least a rental.
Well there you have it! My first unofficial movie review! Not much, but not bad for a first amateur job, if I do say so myself, heheh. Hmm...how time flies. Looks like it's time to hit the sack. Another Monday...and another week at work. Till tomorrow, then, Constant Reader. I leave you with a certain quote from a certain English poet. It made a good plot point in the movie..good enough for me to look a more complete version up and post it here, to share. And people say you can't stimulate the mind with films...hmm. Cheers!
HAD I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams
W.B Yeats. The Wind Among the Reeds,1899.
Sunday yet again. Haven't heard from my girlfriend in a while..and miss her very much :-(. However, bearing in mind her often hectic schedule, hope will be able to talk to her at least for a while. All in all, a slow and languid Sunday. The best kind, I think. Now if I can just get through this one without Murphy's law acting up..*yawn*. I think a little afternoon nap is in session, folks. See you tonight.
Urgh. 3 am and still I can't sleep. Maybe it's the unfamiliar bed and surroundings. It might also be that the sounds that lull me to sleep every other night are absent, replaced instead by an all too familiar..silence. (It may surprise people who know me as a quiet person that one of the things I fear most is complete silence.) For the past 2 months, I've made sure that the television or the radio stays on before I can fall asleep. I sleep on the couch, even though there's absolutely nothing wrong with my room. For some reason, I still can't sleep alone there at night. Too many memories..and too much silence. I should state for the record that there's also nothing wrong with Johan's house. It's completely cool and comfortable. But I guess my body seeks the security of the familiar..no matter how much the actual discomfort. What are we humans but creatures of habit? Our very souls shriek against any kind of change imposed forcefully upon us, or a disruption in our well-laid plans. We fear everything and anything that cannot be compartmentalised, categorised and filed neatly away. It is our nature, and woe betide anyone who attempts to change it. Not that it's bad, of course. It's our habitual nature that ultimately makes us..well..human. And honestly, there's nothing else I'd rather be.
I watched an interesting snippet of a movie on Astro today. It was from The Mothman Prophecies, starring the always good looking Richard Gere. In it, he asks a professor of folklore and unexplained phenomena why, if advanced creatures exist among us, do they not come and explain themselves? The professor's reply was short and to the point: we are very much advanced compared to cockroaches. Do we explain ourselves to them? Interesting piece of existentialism there. I'd LOVE to expound on it, but I fear such things are a bit too heavy for an early morning post. Sorry about the very dark tone of the post, Constant Reader. The fact that I've not only been screwed, but buggered inside out and hung out to dry by my ISP is still grating on my nerves. And having my nerves grated is not something I take lightly.
This silence is good, sometimes. I can actually hear myself think. Perhaps we all need a little quiet in our lives. We get so caught up chasing what we perceive to be our dreams that we often forget if they are even our dreams at all. How many people you know who are still confused about their lives? Add one to the total. I am, though not too badly. Hopes, wishes, wants, dreams. What are they but the currency of our existence? Our wishes grow to hope, which we lace with effort to become wants, and when they don't work out, become dreams. Am I making sense? Probably not. But then again, does anything?
He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.
Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001), "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Saturday, April 5
Ahh...Saturday once more, although it started out quite like a weekday (read: I woke up at 6 in the morning). For the life of me I can't seem to ever wake up late these days. Maybe it's a good thing. Working's conditioned me to be like that, I guess. Was planning to go catch Willard in a cinema with my sis, but since everyone's paranoid about SARS these days, I think I'd better lie low for awhile. Being extra susceptible to flu-type infections doesn' t help either. Went to get lunch at Carrefour and saw a few people already walking around with surgical masks while shopping. Might get myself a box..or two. In some weird, twisted way, it reminded me of the combined plots of various zombie movies I've seen: horrible virus/gas/bacteria transforms mankind into the walking undead, hungering for human flesh and in the process forgetting how to walk and instead adopt the patented Zombie Shuffle(TM). Oh, and in the case of survival-horror type games (Resident Evil) they forget how to talk too, instead using the patented Zombie Moan (TM)..eg OOOUHHHHHH...Must be hard, being a Zombie. I know I'm watching too many movies now....
Anyways, have decided not to spend all of Saturday in. Will be going for my weekend gaming session at my girlfriend's cousin's apartment. He just ordered a couple of really funny RPGs online, and they arrived a few days ago. One of them's titled Munchkin, and it's basically a funny take on tabletop RPGs. You get weapons like The Limburger and Cheese Sandwich of DOOM, The Rat on a Stick, and Platform Sandals of Light. Should be good for a few laughs. And the best thing is, you don't have to be a RPG freak (read:geek) to understand it! Very user friendly..Of course, I could always kick some butt on the PS2..heheh.
Weather's really not helping. Hot and humid...what I wouldn't give for a 10 degree reduction in temperature..Even my brain seems to be slowing down. Urgh. The next post might be a while in coming (and don't let me get started on my movie review!) but do not fear, Constant Reader. I won't let you down. Expect at least a little itty bitty (in a polka dot bikini?) update before the day ends. Have a good weekend out there! Ahem, before I go, a Random Philosophical Thought:
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)
Friday, April 4
Hello again, blog. The weather's so hot here. Am actually sweating at 11 pm! Have just gotten back from dinner with my girlfriend's cousins and aunt. Was quite good, since I haven't seen them in awhile. Got caught in a huge jam on the way back, largely caused by a freak accident involving about 4 cars. The fact that their owners chose the middle of the road to settle their differences didn't help, either. Knowing the wonderful, caring attitude of society here, everyone went out of their way to ensure that the maximum amount of nuisance was caused by their slowing down (not to help, mind you) to gawk.
As I drove up to my apartment block, I realised again how the smallest details can unlock a whole flood of memories. I was daydreaming (or is it nightdreaming) the whole way up. I'd been living in this apartment for close to 2 years, and the majority of times, I've always driven (or walked, during the early days) up with my girlfriend. I parked, got out of the car, and stood for several seconds before I realised that I was waiting for her to shut the door on her side before locking it. I said it before, and I'll say it again. Old habits die really, really hard. If they ever isolate the chemical processes that make people miss their loved ones, I'll gladly pay to be able to understand it. I realised that during the past 2 years, we've spent so much time together in the car that it's become an extension of our lives. We've fought, made up, kissed and cried in my little white car..and I don't know if I can ever let it go. Selling it seems like such a remote possibility..but I don't know.
I always make it a point to thank God for technology. Honestly, I don't think I'd be able to take it if I couldn't talk to her or hear from her for a day. She's become so ingrained in my life that every other reaction or thought would probably go "Hey, she'd love this!" Some may call it obsession, but to me..it works. Urgh..am getting sleepy. I don't think I'm making any sense. If you're reading this, princess, I love you. For all the messes I've ever made in my life, there must be something I did right cause I got you.
G'night, world. Tomorrow.
Just a short post before I'm off to lunch. I don't know if it's just me, but it seems blogger.com has a limit on the length of the posts...interesting that they don't tell you this. Hmm. More later.
Er, no, actually. Composing and posting the same thing twice within 30 minutes takes something out of a guy's constitution. Maybe later? Anyhoo, before I leave, here's the quote of the day. Comes from Douglas Adams, one of my favourite writers. If he sounds familiar, he wrote The Hitchiker's Guide to The Galaxy.. I can't recommend it enough, really. Now get off your arse and get it. It's THAT good.
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001), Mostly Harmless
Man, this site is really starting to piss me off. I'd just written a long piece this morning, and just as I hit Post, the whole page disappeared. How wonderful. I'd like to start again, but I'm not sure if I'm in the right frame of mind to do so. Anyway, here goes. I WAS in a good mood this morning, since it's a Friday and I'd already made plans to get off from work early (If you could only see my earlier post, you'd notice a definite mood swing.) Anyhoo.. was trying to decide between writing my first movie review, or just rambling along incoherently as I always do. Oh, and I even squeezed in a private message for my girlfriend. (I love her. Very much. Heheh). Since she constitutes 50 percent of my readership (the other 50 held by myself) I think it's more than allowable to post private messages once in a while. Don't like it? Go somewhere else. Or go see pictures of naked women here. Like I care.
Ahem. Well, before the review, let's enjoy a bit of a preamble, shall we? I've always loved movies and the process of making them. I honestly think that if I had the chance, I'd probably try and be a filmmaker. Like a good book, a good movie is a form of escape, and it's always obvious that the people involved put in a lot of time, effort and love into their product (Don't believe me? Look up a copy of the first Evil Dead movie on DVD. See how Sam Raimi, his brother Ted and the King Himself, Bruce Campbell made a cheap college movie into magic.) Besides, I grew up watching Leonard Maltin (in the 80s), then Siskel and Ebert in the 90s. I may not have agreed with ALL their opinions, but they taught me at an early age that a critical mind dissing a really bad movie makes very good entertainment. I know there's an overload of sites on the Web nowadays that offer movie reviews. I don't intend to compete. What I DO intend is to periodically post reviews of movies I particularly like or dislike. Besides, it's good writing practice. Hopefully I'll muster enough courage (and experience) to one day submit one to a publication. Okay, preamble done. On with the review, I say!
Thursday, April 3
Warning: Totally book-unrelated post coming up.
Was reminded again today of how difficult it is for both parties in a long distance relationship. For the one left behind, there's always the uncertainty, insecurity and fear that his/her partner might find someone else. The dilemma is in either being too jealous, (which will probably result in a lot of unnecessary arguments) or not jealous at all, where the partner might get the idea that he/she doesn't care enough. There's a fine line to be trod (and believe me, yours truly is still learning!). Of course, on the other side of the fence, for the person leaving, it's a whole different world of problems. There's the constant reminder that yes, you're in a relationship but no, he/she can't be with you right now. All the little things they miss will be amplified, sometimes to an almost unbearable extent. There's also the temptation to give in and try it out with someone new. All of which makes this particular situation one that most couples (I think) hate to consider.
Well, as much as I don't like it, it's the reality. I don't think I could live with myself if I ever knowingly stopped my girlfriend from going abroad to study.. or doing anything that would be important for her future. And I also know that she would not hesitate to let me go off, should circumstances dictate it. I think I'm starting to understand that the essence of a couple's longevity together is not how long you've been together or how much you love each other (remember, there's such a thing as loving somebody TOO much). Ultimately, I think it's the respect and trust each partner brings to the table that determines a couple's integrity. Yes, love does play a part. It's the glue that holds the big mosaic together. And as I'm learning every day, it's a mosaic that needs a lot of care, thought and multiple splashes of glue.
And with that, here's a thought:
When you realize
You want to spend
The rest of your life with somebody,
You want the rest of your life
To start as soon as possible.
From When Harry met Sally
Ahem. Hello again, folks. Another day, another rant, another post to the blog. Posting's become a daily ritual for me, so much so that I actually find myself composing stuff I want to write in my head as I drive, wait for service, and even at the petrol station (that's gas for you Americans). Maybe I'm just a guy who thinks (and talks) too much. Maybe I should be a real writer (my girlfriend says I'd make a good one, bless her soul). And maybe I should trim down on all these parentheses (brackets?). Hmm...thinking about it, the brackets have to go first, I think. I guess I've always wanted to write. There's something ultimately satisfying about churning out a good story and seeing the effect it has on the person who reads it. Which reminds me of my own book-laden life...
I fell in love with books from a very young age (2 or 3, if I'm not mistaken. Damn! Another bracket!). Started out with the old Ladybird junior books and went on to their audio-cassette tapes, the ones that come with the storybooks. Good old days. Thinking about it, I think today's theme will be Books and Me. This might result in a very looong post..hehehe.
Wednesday, April 2
These are indeed troubled times. When war is accepted and condoned, innocent slaughter approved of and senseless killing agreed upon, there's not much for us regular people to do but look at each other (albeit embarrassedly) shake our heads nervously and say "What has the world come to?" before putting our hands in our pockets, exchanging perfunctory greetings and shambling on our way, knowing that by shaking our heads (and sometimes fists) we have done all we can. Have we?
Damn. That part was really freaking me out. But I guess it's what the blog's here for. To put in writing the weird and sometimes wonderful impulses that flash through my tired neurons, dendrites and ganglia. I can't help it. Turn on the tube, and you see an endless succession of talking heads, one after another after another..it goes on ad nauseum. Log on the web and you see a million million news sites fighting for your screen space and bandwidth. CNN and MSNBC raises it's (multibillion dollar) hands in salute as Al Jazeera peeks and scampers from the ruins of its headquarters, while the BBC struggles with lie after distortion after spin. What a crazy world we live in. I work with computers and multimedia. I did my postgraduate degree on computers and multimedia. I remember sending my first email message 10 years ago..the whole family crowded in front of the PC as my 14.4 baud modem chirped and sang the digital handshake that connected me to the Microsoft Network (THAT was a community!). The moment when those first packets got on their way halfway around the world was, to me at least, magic.
In a lot of ways, I still haven't grown up. And contrary to what some people may think, I take it as a good thing. I'm still amazed when a rerun of a decade-old David Copperfield special gets aired. I still get a tingle when I hear the theme from Airwolf, The A Team or Knight Rider. And there's nothing I'd like to cuddle up with more on a rainy day (besides a certain princess :P) than a good storybook. I admit, I was a child of the 80s. Not necessarily the best of times, but they weren't the worst of times either. Sometimes I wonder if it's better to let go and join everyone else in the grown-up world. I'm 25 now, and as my girlfriend will most probably tell you, I'm still naive in a lot of ways. I've grown slightly more jaded in the past couple years, but somehow I think the kid in me is still there..hiding.
Today's rant is dedicated to the kid in me. The kid who still thinks Game Boys are cool, and that deep inside, people are actually good (they're just acting the way they are cause they don't have someone to love them, hug them and kiss them goodnight). The kid who believes that he can be anything he wants.. and that the world (or at least some part of it) still has some magic left. I like to think that in a weird way, I carry a bit of that magic with me..and hopefully one day I can show MY kids what it feels like.
Finally! After getting "publishing is not possible at this time" messages the whole of last night and today, have succeeded in getting this blog running yet again. Hope it holds out, though. Read a lot of interesting things in the news today...seems like the Italians have a very attractive thing going on. Maybe myself and a certain significant other should pay that particular country a visit..heheh. Anyways, have a meeting to go to..and just found out that I've been appointed head of yet another committee...this time to plan the faculty's family day trip. The devil in me is recommending our resident casino..just for kicks. Or, if I'm really mean, a nude beach in Phuket. Hmmmm.
Yet another friend of mine has fallen prey to the evil that is Multi-Level Marketing. He's been bugging another close friend to give him my mobile number for weeks it seems. I guess the best way to cure him is to give the facts face to face. It'll be hard on the guy, but I think it's better that he hear it from me, before it's too late (and before he makes a complete fool of himself begging for downliners). In other news, one of the most controversial sites on the net, and one I've visited now and again, is going offline, unless someone buys over the domain. Seems like he found the love of his life, and they're backpacking together into the sunset. For those of you who don't know the story, this guy created and hosted the infamous "MasterCard Priceless" pictures, based on the "priceless" taglines of the credit card company's ads. Only in this case, the pics were usually of people (drunk, mostly) doing things they'd rather not be seen doing.
Hmm..time to go for the meeting. More updates later, hopefully. Have a good one, y'all.
Tuesday, April 1
Hmm...either there's something really wrong with my LAN at work, or the forces of evil are arrayed against me yet again. I can't seem to read my own blog! Dammit..been trying to see the damn page since the last update..and all I got was a lousy FTP output screen. This seriously puts a damper on my operation. Hope they fix it soon though. Am itching to write! Argh!
Just had lunch. Uhh..now the familiar drowsy sensation is here, and it threatens to stop me from finishing... Had quite an interesting morning. Tried to print out some documents before I left for work, but the printer started spewing gibberish. I could have sworn it was dissing me. Anyway, rushed off to work since the weather looked a tad unfriendly. Was quite lucky I did so, since the skies suddenly opened up and let loose. Man, haven't had rain like that in weeks! Was about 5 km from the office when I remembered one crucial detail: I forgot the keys to my room. Now there I was, envisioning being snug and comfy in my climate controlled office, when I was faced with the possibility of being trapped inside my not so snug and comfy car in the middle of a thunderstorm. Luckily, I remembered some colleagues who usually come in about the same time I do (their houses being nearer helps). Rushed through the rain to their room, where I got temporary shelter and a cup of Milo. Not bad..not bad.
45 minutes later, my room mate arrived and rescued me from the predicament. Could then finally and thankfully sink into my chair and start work. Was pleasantly surprised to see my girlfriend online. Had a bit of a chat and went on to do the usual things I do at the office (read news sites, check email, debate whether to go look at pictures of naked women.. ). Decided against it, finally (man, that was a tough one!) and started on the paperwork that's been waiting for me on the desk since Adam decided he needed company in Eden.
Anyway, am feeling really sleepy now, and I don't think I'll be making much sense. Yawn...a quick nap is in the works. Seems like the Darkness Falls movie review might take a little bit more time..oh well. G'nite people. Will pick up later at home.